15 yeaer-old daughter sneaks around, smokes cigs, pot, disobeys

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Today, 08:14 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 9	Help ! My wonderful number 1 daughter has gone from Shirley Temple to DAMIEN THE OMEN!!! Yes she had her LINDSEY LOHAN transformation!!!!! She used to be adored by everyone and now she cuts herself, she had been using dope for a couple of years, and today my husband caught her sneaking outside the house to smoke cigarettes. She has been checked into a mental health psychiatric facility 2 times this summer. They will only hold her a week at a time and then they release her to our custody b/c she isn't charged with anything. I am at my end of my rope. We have her in intensive outpatient counseling, but she shuts down whenever she is in the sessions. She just pacifies the therapist and then does what she wants when she gets home! My H is not much help, as he sees it as me being to hard on her. He thinks I'm punishing her too much and not giving her a reason to want to improve. In some ways I see his point, but in others I am unimpressed with the progress my daughter has made. It seems that she does just enough to get her father off her back, but then just backpedals and bides her time doing the bare minimum until whe wants something else again. Then she does a little more and only enough to get her time on the phone or to go to some event (a dance or something). I am tired of her just giving me the bare minimum and going to her father as if Im picking on her and she is totally innocent in all this! I was not caught with mj in my room. I was not caught smoking outside our bedroom window. I did not leave during the middle of the night to go smoke weed with my friend during the wee hours of the night! Yet I am the bad GUY!!!!! Lighten up a little with her. don't fight her all the time, my H tells me. The thing of the matter is that she gives me her absolute worst behavior, and saves her best for Dad. BTW we all still live under the same roof. Yes this is a nuclear family. My H just wants to give everyone what they want to they will be quiet and he can do what he wants to do. He doesn't really unite with me regarding consequences or give her any real punishment. And when he does, it's usually physical labor rather than forbidding her to use phone, go to homecoming, see boyfriend, etc. he theorizes that she will just behave worse if we take everything from her. I kind of see his point, if she has already lost the things she wants most, why behave to our expectations? Yes, it's much easier to just make excuses for her behavior, say she is just a f ck-up and do what she wants anyway (smoke, weed, backtalk, whatever she wants). I feel POWERLESS!!!!! I don't know what I can do anymore! She is as big as me and any altercation we get into usually leads to physical confrontation. You all know who willl pay the most for that don't you? ME!!! Yep she's got me by the short hairs as it were. How do I get her to behave like a young adult? This is really damaging to my younger daughter to witness. All she sees is that daughter 1 gets away with bloody murder with barely a slap on the wrist, and she has to do everything or get into trouble. This is not right, but how do I get my older daughter to comply with rules and regs without getting into a bar room brawl with her. I really don't need more drama in this house. It seems every time I give her an order or a chore to do she just rolls her eyes at me and does what she wants anyway. I dare not get up into her face, lest we have a knockdown drag out and I get CPS called on me. I have had the Sheriff's deputies out to my home twice this summer because she ran away 2 times. Her grades are slipping, and I don't know how to get her to grow up. Can some one please help me?
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Today, 08:29 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 2,294	She will need someone who she feels can understand her, right now she knows that you don't. This is coming from someone who was involved in a lot of crap, drug-deals, debt-collections, gangs, etc etc in my youth. I was left on the streets at 12, so when I reconciled with my parents at 18, good luck to them. Hell, good luck to them even now, because I know for a fact that they don't understand. We reconciled only due to bad blood, and that's it. At this point of time, this is the only thing that could help. I will never forget the advice of those who have been there, done that, and lived to tell the tale. They were my guidance, not my parents. This is an avenue that you can never understand. Please, find someone, ask around, counsellors, friends, there's folk out there who your daughter will listen to. Including me, but I'm on the net
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